By William Thomas

‘Trophy wife’ is an interesting and somewhat derogatory term usually pertaining to the much younger spouse of a wealthy, narcissistic man out to impress his peers.  The wife, perceived to possess little merit beyond her beauty is often referred to as a “gold digger.”

Fueled by the silent rage of women his own age, the room temperature rises dramatically when a man walks in with his trophy wife on his arm.  Men of the husband’s age also demonstrate their disapproval of the ‘trophy wife’ by mumbling something like “he’s probably lucky at cards too.”  Shallowness is not a male flaw; it’s part of who we are.

The late Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith was seen as both a trophy wife and a gold digger when she married 89-year-old millionaire J. Howard Marshall at the age of 26.  The wedding was spread over a three-day period to allow Marshall to take a series of long naps.  Old J. was unable to impress anybody since all his peers had predeceased him.  In the end Anna was accused of “robbing the casket.”

As far as ‘trophy husbands’ go, Demi Moore married a goofy one and Joan Collins needed a trophy case to keep all hers.  Sometimes Paul McCartney is referred to as a ‘trophy husband.’  Beatle fans believe he deserves a trophy for time served with Heather Mills.

The Duchess of Alba, Spain’s 85-year-old billionaire recently married a man 24 years younger.  Considering her five billion dollar fortune, Alfonso Diez is not just digging for gold, he’s punning for platinum and drilling for diamonds.

All this because last week’s Canadian Press headline really caught my eye:  “‘Trophy husband’ awarded $157,000 from B.C. Widow.”  Gordon Walker is 66 years old.  Apparently he outgrew the term ‘toy boy’ when he filed for his Old Age Security Pension.

Valerie Fortune Brown, a former world-class figure skater, model and wealthy widow has been ordered by a British Columbian court to pay her so-called ‘trophy husband’ more than $157,000 in support after a 14-year relationship.  She’s 86 years old.

Before they met, Walker lived on welfare or was periodically employed, but then became a ‘kept man’ and ‘economically dependent,’ with Brown covering all of his living expenses and luxuries, including about 60 trips around the world.

According to the court ruling “At 66 years of age, the breakup of their relationship has caused Mr. Walker to be economically disadvantaged in terms of what he had been accustomed.”  Not to mention the shock from trading in a Grand Duplex Outside Suite on the Queen Mary 2 for a pup tent in Stanley Park.

The court ruling also concluded that “his future job prospects are extremely limited.”  Well, I’m not so sure about that.  Betty White is still alive.

After her second husband died in 1994, Brown was left with an estate of nearly $8 million that included investments, property and retirement income so yeah, Valerie’s middle name really is ‘Fortune.’

Gordon Walker was also issued a restraining order against writing a memoir of the couples’ sexual experiences.  With Mrs. Brown claiming Walter was just “a platonic live-in friend” do not expect Fifty Shades of Grey.  More like Late Nights With Earl Grey.

Mrs. Brown characterized Walker as “a male security escort and travelling companion as well as a heavy luggage porter.”  From my experience any man who has ever travelled with a woman has earned the title of ‘heavy luggage porter.’  I’ve been fighting for years to have hernias covered by my travel insurance policy.

At some point after Brown had provided him with a $10,000 Rolex, a Lexus SUV and bank accounts to cover his expenses, she felt he was abusing her credit cards and withdrawing funds from a joint account.  Reading from the news report, it seems Gordon Walker did not see the end of the relationship coming.  Expecting another handout, he got foot in the bum instead.

Here then are ten sure signs that your career as a ‘trophy husband’ may be coming to an end.

•Your wife informs you that she wants to renew her wedding vows and she generously offers to put you on the guest list.

•Asked at a party “How’s your young man?”, you overhear her say “Not here tonight.”

•As you both leave the house for a Caribbean cruise, she asks you what time your ship leaves.

•You notice the new vanity plate she had put on your SUV reads “WASHIS.”

•Rifling through some papers on the kitchen table you notice your name is not mentioned in her will but it does appear on a change of address form.

•You notice she’s behaving very strangely by letting you have the last word.

•You’re standing at the curb when the garbage truck pulls up and she starts yelling from the house to:  Jump In!

•You pick up the local paper and see a photo of your dog above the caption “Black Lab target of custody battle.”

•For Halloween she buys you a tight-fitting Superhero costume known as ‘Mooch Man.’

And finally you know your days as a ‘trophy husband’ are numbered when you’re presented with a separation agreement that refers to you as “irreconcilably tarnished.”

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