williamthomaswBy William Thomas

BBC World News broadcast an interesting documentary last month titled “What If Women Ruled The World.”  Essentially it’s a series of interviews with high profile political leaders like Condoleezza Rice, the first African American U.S. Secretary of State, Mary Robinson, the first female President of Ireland and Michelle Bachelet, the first female President of Chile.

Interestingly enough, the documentary does not involve German Chancellor Angela Merkel who is ruling the world at the moment.

To be clear, President Michelle Bachelet is not to be confused with U.S. Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann who while running for the Tea Party in the last U.S. election blamed earthquakes and hurricanes on God, claimed children’s’ vaccines caused mental retardation and stated she shared the same great mid-west spirit as Waterloo, Iowa’s most famous son, John Wayne.  Unfortunately it was actually John Wayne Gacy who hails from Waterloo, Iowa.  Gacy, known as the “Killer Clown” murdered at least 33 teenage boys.

Condoleezza Rice claimed a world ruled by women would better serve human rights, increase human potential and brain power by 50% and truly educated women would become leaders and not sex trade workers and unwed mothers.  Condoleezza disqualified herself from any serious comments about men because she once dated Canada’s Defence Minister Peter MacKay.

President Mary Robinson said empowered women would tackle poverty with a vengeance and President Michelle Bachelet said women would end gender-based violence and champion peace.

Interesting that none of these women sought revenge for the horrible state of today’s world.  No one threatened to spank George W. Bush or even have Silvio Berlusconi neutered.

Nonetheless, it’s an intriguing concept and one which I have been advocating for a very long time.  A world ruled by women would be a kinder, gentler place with a lot less armed conflicts flaring up around the globe, currently totaling 50 according to the World Crisis Center.

As somebody more cynical than I, said:  “If women ruled the world there would be no war.  Instead there would be a whole bunch of jealous and pissed-off countries sitting around, not speaking to each other.”  Naturally, that quote is attributed to a man known as “Anonymous.”

Although I’m all for it – women ruling the world – if for no other reason they deserve a shot after men have made a complete hash of the job, there will be problems.

In a world ruled by women, we would need to have a level playing field.  Women should not use one of their most powerful and unique weapons against us, just because they can.  In other words, a tactic advocated by American actress Stephanie Hodge must be ignored entirely.  “We just want men who will share our hopes and dreams.  If you don’t, we will bitch at you until you die!”  You understand how unhelpful that could be!?!

As men we realize there will have to be new rules like mandatory waxing of our backs and once in a while, say twice a week we will have to share the remote.  And “Hey!  Whatteryadoin’ right now?” will not pass as foreplay.

Every man on earth would be assigned a clinically-trained psychic so that for the first time in our seven million years of evolution, we will know what women are thinking.

Likewise for safety’s sake, a man would automatically be able to activate a personal, life-size safety shield every time a woman says:  “No, there’s nothing wrong.”

At the level of the world stage, it will be a real eye-opener to see eight women leaders attending a G8 Summit.  At the opening banquet they will insist on separate cheques and there will be no need for meeting halls or boardrooms.  First, one will say she’s going to the ladies’ room and the other seven will automatically offer join her.  An hour later they will all come back to the dining table with a nuclear, non-proliferation treaty, a Mideast peace pact and the world’s first birth control pill made of white Belgian chocolate.

Most importantly, once these amazing strides in global issues are accomplished at “Women’s Washroom Summits” everywhere, men will finally be able to figure out what the hell you do in there!

All will agree that there is only one dire circumstance which would warrant the exchange of nuclear weapons – if any two women show up at the next G8 Summit wearing the same dress.

New guidelines for the United Nations will be drawn up in which facts and logic would be used in international policy-making only as a last resort.  Some countries would be banned from their world organization based on colours that clash on their national flags.

And official transcripts of conferences dealing with global issues would be replaced by tidbits of gossip and cell phone photos of women rolling their eyes.

Any male/female disputes among world leaders would be followed by national “withholding of sex” protests by women and then followed by a roll call of:  “Aye.  Aye.  Aye.  Aye.  Double Aye.”

Every man on earth would be required to carry in his wallet the forty-word interpretation of CRYING … happy, sad, confused, bored, onions, Oprah, pissed off, You!, don’t know why, etc.

Men would only be allowed to step in and take control of a meeting if the women were still hotly debating issues that had solved ten years ago.

Any man who challenges these new decisions made by the ruling women will be placed in a dark room and forced to watch Thelma & Louise.  “Oh God no, not that brand new truck!”


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