“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I’m sure you know who I am either from that doctored photo of me smoking crack cocaine on the front page of the Toronto Star or from my mug shot taken after I was caught drinking and driving in Florida, which was a long time ago and also a malicious lie.
My supporters of Toronto City Hall, okay then, my brother Doug, has urged me to address the many allegations brought against me, mostly from those goat-humpers at that scum-sucking, pinko rag they call the Toronto Star.
Since I was elected mayor, I have been accused of insulting gays by not attending two Pride Parades, of tearing up a brand new bike lane, of several conflicts of interest, of attempting to get city employees to do roadwork in front of my family’s business, of dodging the public weigh-in for my “Cut The Waist” campaign at the same time as I was photographed coming out of Kentucky Fried Chicken with two bags of take-out, of being so intoxicated at the Canadian Armed Forces Garrison Ball that I was asked to leave the premises, of attending high school football practices instead of important council meetings, of commandeering a city bus to transport my football team, of reading city documents while driving my car, of being drunk or high or both at an official city function and while there, grabbing a woman’s ass.
Let me say, once and for all, that I have never read city documents while operating a motorized vehicle. I was merely scanning the comics section of the Toronto Star, which is the only thing in that ridiculous, piece of crap tabloid worth looking at.
Now about that video that apparently shows me smoking crack cocaine with some jumped-up drug dealer. Well, me and Doug had a really good laugh over that one because it’s actually a Saturday Night Live sketch with Eddie Murphy and Chris Farley who, as you know, is a dead ringer for me. So when Saturday Night Live satirizes you, well, I’m flattered.”
Reporter: “But Mr. Mayor, Eddie Murphy left the show in 1984.”
Reporter: “And Chris Farley has been dead for over 15 years.”
Mayor: “Are you sure? Because my brother Doug didn’t tell me that part of the story. Okay, well if the video shows me referring to players on my football team as f—— minorities, if I’m such a racist, why would I be partying and smoking dope with some guy from Syria?”
Mayor: “Syria, Somalia. Windsor, Winnipeg. What’s the difference?”
Reporter: “Did you also call Justin Trudeau a ‘fag’ on the video?”
Mayor: “I did not. That’s just more hateful falsehood printed by those crayon-snapping maggots in the media particularly that slimy, bottom-feeding, bird-crapped cage liner they call the Toronto Star. In fact, because I couldn’t think of the word ‘weasel’ I called Justin Trudeau a ‘ferret’ not a ‘faggot.’ And I apologize for that.”
Reporter: ‘Sir, were you or were you not smoking a crack cocaine pipe in that video?”
Mayor: “As you know, I suffer from a rare form of inoperable weight gain known as KFC. My doctor referred me to a homeopathic healer from Syria, sorry, Somalia who treats this disorder by inhaling the burning leaves of hawthorn from a sacred healing pipe and that’s what me and Dr. Smith were doing in the video, if in fact there is a video and that is in fact his name which sounds kind of fishy.”
Reporter: “Mr. Mayor, Dr. Smith, as you call, him was actually a drug dealer by the name of Anthony Smith from Somalia.”
Mayor: “Well, I never saw his medical certificate, but I did notice he had a lot of prescription pads.”
Reporter: “He was shot and killed outside a Toronto nightclub seven months ago.”
Mayor: “Well my thoughts and prayers … are you sure because just yesterday … never mind.”
Reporter: “For the last time, Mr. Mayor, was that you smoking crack cocaine on that video?”
Mayor: “Okay. Yes. Yes it was. I want to be honest and transparent with the good citizens of my city of Toronto, and I take full responsibility for my behavior in the video as well as those photographs of me published on the front page of that puke-swallowing, lame-ass, horse-bun fondling cheat sheet they call the Toronto Star.
But I did it for you. Just as some of my colleagues have slept on the street overnight to really know what it feels like to be homeless, I too needed to know what it means to be a crack addict in this city and …”
Reporter: “Sir, do you really expect us to believe that?”
Mayor: “Well yeah, I even robbed a tourist from Buffalo in order to support my crack habit!”
Reporter: “Mr. Mayor, your nose is like out to here!”
Mayor: “Okay, after I crushed my nasal passage playing football, I require regular inhaling sessions with …”
Reporter: “Sir, please!”
Mayor: “Okay, then if you really want the honest truth, it was Mike Duffy smoking dope in that video! Yeah, and you can read all about it in tomorrow’s edition of that freakin’ psycho, two-ply paper trail they call the Toronto Star.”