I do not mean to offend Americans who might be reading this column, but the fact is — Canadians have much better parenting skills than you.
Take your very own designated whack job, Lindsay Lohan, for instance. Lindsay is a Hollywood actress who has starred in such movies as I Drive Drunk, Above The Law And Into Rehab, Parole is For the Breaking, The $2,500 Necklace Heist, The Ankle Bracelet Fashion Statement, The Woman Who Ran into My Fists, My Best Friend Cocaine and Car Wrecks I, II, and III. And the amazing thing is that she has accomplished this impressive body of work all alone.
Now take our most famous wiener-head, Canadian Justin Bieber. A teen heartthrob and baby crooner, Justin is best known for such hits as I Too Drive Drunk, Raggin’ On The N-Word, Faces Are To Spit On, I Beat Up My Limo Driver, I Turned My Neighbour’s House Into An Omelet, From Hooters To Hookers In Just One Year, the Year My Voice Changed.
For the record, there is no comparison between America’s most embarrassing halfwit and Canada’s child nitwit. Our kid is much more creative. Whereas Lindsay just hauls off and punches people she doesn’t like, Justin peppers their houses with fresh eggs. While Lindsay is always being caught with dope, Justin Bieber was once found to be in the possession of an illegal monkey. Honest. It was Germany, that customs officials removed a Capuchin monkey named Molly from Bieber’s possession. The monkey was helping him fill out his immigration form.
But my point is that while Lindsay Lohan is breaking laws and skipping court appearances, her parents are nowhere to be seen. But whenever Justin Bieber breaks the law, his father Jeremy is right there beside him.
Last January in Miami, when Justin used a yellow Lamborghini to drag race with his buddy Crazy Khalil in a red Ferrari on a public street, while drunk, he was subsequently clocked at 136 miles per hour in a residential area and arrested for Driving Under the Influence and … and his Dad Jeremy was right there beside him. In fact, police said that his father helped set up the road blocks to make the illegal drag race possible. Yeah. And presumably his father attended the pre-race strategy session at which his son admitted consuming marijuana, prescription drugs and alcohol.
Think about it—when Lindsay Lohan was charged with stealing that $2,500 gold necklace from a Los Angeles jewelry store, was her father spotted at the wheel of the getaway car? No. When Lindsay assaulted another patient at the Betty Ford Clinic, was her mother at her side to give the victim the mandatory eight count? No. When Lindsay was leaving the Hookah Lounge club in Hollywood and hit the manager with her new Porsche, and then left the scene of the accident, did one of her parents come by later with a bag of cash to buy the man’s silence? No.
It seems that no matter what this girl does, her parents are never there for her!
But Jeremy Bieber? Well, he would be voted Minor Hockey Father of the Year if Justin was a hockey player instead of a one-kid, crime spree.
Just a month after Dad helped his son blast that Lamborghini through a quiet Miami neighbourhood at breakneck speed, there he was again, giving his unconditional support to his son, the singer, as they smoked dope at 30,000 feet.
While on their way to the Super Bowl in February in their private, chartered jet, Justin Bieber, his father and their entourage of 10 people were repeatedly warned by the flight crew to stop smoking marijuana. The plane “reeked” of pot and there was so much smoke in the cockpit, the pilots put on their oxygen masks fearing they themselves would get high and later test positive for drug use.
Not only did they ignore the warnings, Justin and his father got so verbally abusive with the flight attendant, the pilot had her stay in the cockpit for her own protection.
American fathers could learn an awful lot from Canadian dads like Jeremy Bieber, who is not only Justin’s guardian and protector, but the father and son are ‘buds.’ Okay more like those Purple Haze buds that really pack a punch.
Recently, after learning Justin Bieber is a Canadian who lives in Los Angeles and has a valid U.S. work permit, 275,000 Americans signed a petition that was presented to the White House demanding Justin Bieber be deported from the United States. Nothing came of it.
However, last week here in Canada, we passed a federal law making it mandatory for anyone who owns property in the United States to revoke Canadian citizenship and automatically become a card-carrying American. Yeah, as of now, Justin Bieber is yours, America. “It is with great sadness that we relinquish any claim to the pop singer blah, blah, blah.” Oh, and you know who owns a winter home in Florida? Toronto Mayor Rob Ford!
Please enjoy the trials and tribulations of your two most recent citizens. The average Canadian IQ just shot up seven points.
For comments, ideas and copies of The True Story of Wainfleet, go to www.williamthomas.ca